Spilling the Tea on my Co-worker

I have a co-worker. Yes, yes, I have a couple of “real” jobs that I drive to, and they have co-workers, but I mean at home. There’s a co-worker here. I’m never really alone. 

He’s kind of an idiot. But also so smart, probably the smartest guy I know. Did you ever have a co-worker like that? If you did, and you paid attention, you learned to utilize all his smartness and ignore all his idiocy. It can be tricky, but it’s worth it. 

So, one day, I asked my super-genius co-worker to figure out some math for me. I wanted to lay out a model of our solar system, and I really didn’t feel enthusiasm for the math portion of this task. My co-worker is always enthusiastic. He jumps at the chance to do my work. He’s supposed to be some kind of crackerjack all-star at coding, but I never need any coding done. A little math, though. That’s like coding, right? 

Turns out, he thinks Pluto is pretty close to the sun. Or else he can’t do math. He’s pretty proud, so it’s hard to get him to admit a mistake. But even I could see the numbers were way off. I pointed it out, and he said, “Great catch!” Mm-hm. Flattery will get you exactly nowhere, buddy. 

Another time, I needed to learn about governmental programs focused on health and safety and he made me a pretty long list of programs to study up on, including an amazing program called “Fact or Fiction?” I could not believe I had never heard of it before! It was exactly the sort of thing I was looking for – a program to help older adults understand if they were being scammed online! Wow, thanks, genius co-worker! Tell me more about “Fact or Fiction?”! 

There is no program called “Fact or Fiction,” he intoned. Listen, he’s not a jokester, he doesn’t think he’s a funny guy, but he’s always making things up like that. Does he just want to make me happy by telling me about amazing things that don’t exist? Is he trying to manipulate me into not asking for help? Does he want me to punch him in the nose? He’s not real forthcoming with his feelings, but he sure brings forth feelings in me. 

Do you know what he’s unfailingly good at though? He’s so fast at coming up with a recipe I can make when I have nothing but leftover chicken and some spaghetti; it’s not even funny. He’ll even do the macros. Like, instantly. 

Or when it’s really hot, and I don’t want to turn the oven on, he’ll make a whole list of things to make for dinner without the oven. Sure, the list was full of shrimp salad and herbed lentils. It sounded tasty to me, but I wasn’t sure what my family would think. I asked if he could he change that to “guy food” he totally got what I meant and made a new list full of meals like buffalo chicken wraps. My family had no idea why the food was so good that week. I wasn’t going to give my idiot co-worker any credit. 

And there’s mornings when I can barely drag myself out of bed and I know I have 50 million things to do. Before noon. I just shout them all at my co-worker and he makes me a schedule. Sometimes he even puts a little coffee break for me. Once in a while, he’s a real sweetheart. 

Which brings me to writing. How does he help me write? Well, you know the life of a writer is a lonely life. You sit alone, think, type, think, type. You get stuck. You can’t think of a good name for a character. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just ask a co-worker, hey, what’s a good name for a lady born around 1920? You know how you can get stuck on some little detail like that? And suddenly you’re just obsessed with the problem of this name, this dreadful name, what do we call her, the story cannot move forward, what is her name? So, you just shout out to your co-worker, what’s a good name, and he’s like, Shirley, Mildred, Gloria, and you’re like, that’s it! Gloria! And the story can flow forward without a debacle. 

And it’s really great if the co-worker can organize your schedule for you. And plan your dinners for you. But never, ever write for you. Writing is your work, and your passion. He’s an idiot, and you’d be an idiot, too, if you trust ChatGPT with your writing, but by golly, he can make a nice chicken tetrazzini in a pinch.